Magical? Me?
by notnowmaybelater
Summary: There’s an empty bed in the Charms ward of St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. One of the patients has gone missing. An outrageously handsome, hopelessly vain patient… features the squicktastic pairing of Lockhart / Skeeter
1. The Empty Bed

Part One.   
  
Nurse Periwinkle Garstang's shoes clicked softly on the polished oak floor as she made her rounds, checking on the patients in the Charms Ward of St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries.   
  
Every so often, she paused by a bed to tap a patient's empty glass with her wand, so that it was refilled with refreshing pumpkin juice in case the bed's occupant woke up feeling thirsty. She frowned as she spotted an empty bed, the sheets rumpled, the blankets carelessly thrown back. A wand lay on the bedside table and a pair of fluffy bluebell-coloured slippers lay on the floor nearby. She felt the sheets, a trick that had little to do with magic but one that she found extremely useful in her line of work. They were cold. This wasn't just a bathroom visit; the patient had been gone for quite some time.   
  
Nurse Garstang sighed. It went past annoying, the highhanded way some of the doctors behaved - admitting and discharging patients as they saw fit, without bothering to let any of their colleagues know about it. Honestly, anyone could walk in off the street and pretend to be in need of medical care, using up hospital resources. It didn't help her do her job properly and Nurse Garstang was someone who liked things to be done properly. She glared at Dr Polycarp Bird as he breezed past with his clipboard. She might well have given the same look to anyone who happened to pass at that moment, but it wasn't completely unfair to target him. Although his winning smile and darkly handsome features had got him off the hook time and time again, Dr Bird was one of the worst offenders. "Doctor! What have I told you about discharging patients without letting me know?"   
  
Dr Bird flashed her a smile that would have melted some of the less experienced members of staff -- both male and female. He consulted his notes. "No one's been discharged today, nurse," he said.   
  
"In that case we have a missing patient."   
  
"What, here? In the Charms Ward?"   
  
By way of an answer, Nurse Garstang pointed to the empty bed with her wand, efficiently saying "Derectus!" at the same time so that the blankets straightened themselves and the sheets tucked themselves in neatly. "The security at this hospital is simply atrocious," she told him.   
  
Dr Bird examined the patient notes clipped to the end of the empty bed. A small photograph of the patient was fastened to the corner of the notes with an annoyingly eager-to-please paperclip that kept trying to attract Bird's attention with its bizarre contortions and even more bizarre suggestions as to how he might do his job more efficiently. Meanwhile, the patient's image blinked up at him in a rather bewildered manner. Bird was sure he recognised the name - and the face. "Gilderoy Lockhart, hmm? Bit of a celebrity in his day, wasn't he? Wonder what became of him?"   
  
Nurse Garstang snatched the notes away and reattached them to the end of Lockhart's bed. "That," she said severely, "is exactly what we need to find out."   
  
"I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that it's just a Charms patient that's gone missing," said Dr Bird as together they hurried to the exit.   
  
"Indeed," said Nurse Garstang, but she wasn't smiling. She picked up Lockhart's wand from the bedside table and twirled it thoughtfully. Wands didn't much like being separated from their owners which meant they could be a useful tool in tracking missing persons. "You don't need me to tell you how serious it could be if someone from the Curses ward wandered off!" she added darkly as they pushed open the double doors that led out of the ward.   
  
+++   
  
Gilderoy knew his first name perfectly well. During his time in St Mungo's the nurses addressed him by it so frequently he could hardly have failed to gather that much. _Don't forget to eat your breakfast, Gilderoy. Do you remember what happens on Mondays, Gilderoy? You've not forgotten to go to the bathroom, have you, Gilderoy?_ It wasn't as if he was about to forget it either. Not with the blonde witch in the nurse's uniform scurrying in front of him and turning every so often to say, "Hurry up, Gilderoy! Nearly there!"   
  
He didn't know much else about himself though and that thought troubled him as he followed the witch through the bustle of Diagon Alley on a market day, dressed in forget-me-not blue pyjamas that exactly matched the colour of his eyes. In fact, it troubled him almost as much as his poor delicate feet which were starting to chafe painfully on the pavement - how he wished he'd remembered his, er, his, um -- well, he wished he'd remembered them!   
  
Was there anything else to know about himself? There must be, he was sure of it. Unable to resist, he sneaked a glance at his reflection in the bookshop window as he passed. He grinned and an unfamiliar but undeniably handsome blond reflection grinned back showing off a set of perfectly straight and dazzlingly white teeth. Such a charming smile, thought Gilderoy. He stroked his golden curls, which were looking rather unkempt - evidently the nurses at St Mungo's were too preoccupied with all those sick people to deal with real emergencies such as bad hair days. What a mess! Hopefully the blonde nurse who had taken him out of St Mungo's and was now leading him through the crowds for "routine tests," would be able to tease his hair into something vaguely resembling a fashion statement. Although, Gilderoy thought, if she'd picked out the frames for those glasses she was wearing, he'd be mad to pay too much attention to any style tips she might offer. Even so, he thought, lingering by his reflection, surely someone as devilishly handsome as this would have been unable to avoid greatness. Surely --   
  
He stopped. And stared. Something in the shop window had caught his attention. It wasn't his reflection, but it might as well have been.   
  
The witch turned back. Her voice was honeyed and her gold teeth glinted warmly when she smiled, but Gilderoy thought he detected an acid note of impatience in her tone. "Come on, Gilderoy! Not much further now!"   
  
Gilderoy didn't move. He continued to stare through the window, transfixed by one of the books in the display. The blonde witch rolled her eyes and tried to pull him away by his sleeve. When that didn't work, she followed his stare to the large glossy book propped up in the window. "Yes, yes," she sighed impatiently. "We all know about your autobiography, gripping stuff, but I've got my future career to think about here. What I'm looking for is a follow-up story to your experiences at Hogwarts - _Gilderoy Lockhart and the Chamber of Secrets_. Got a ring to it, don't you think?"   
  
If Gilderoy had been listening, he might have thought that a strange thing for a nurse to say. However, he wasn't paying attention. He was still gazing in shock at the book and his cover photograph, which had started pouting and fluttering its eyelashes at him. He read the title: _Magical Me_ and the by-line underneath his picture: _Gilderoy Lockhart_.   
  
"Magical?" he said wonderingly. "_Me?_"   
  
  
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Disclaimer: No part of the Harry Potter universe belongs to me. No, not even the cobwebby little corner where Filch keeps his bucket and mop. It all belongs to JK Rowling who created it.


	2. More Than One Way Out

Part Two   
  
Dr Bird broke into a run to catch up with the nurse, who was standing on the fire escape looking out across the maze of streets below the hospital. "We could do with one of those maps that show where people are, couldn't we?" he said laughing. Then noticing Nurse Garstang wasn't in the mood for jokes, he changed his tone. "Take it easy, Periwinkle. He can't have gone far."   
  
Nurse Garstang turned to him. Her eyes were shining with anxiety. "Can't he? We've had the entire hospital searched. The house elves have looked everywhere. No joy. And no one on reception saw Lockhart leave."   
  
Dr Bird shrugged. "Maybe he went some other way?"   
  
"That's ridiculous," snapped Nurse Garstang, "You have to pass reception on your way out. Unless..." she stopped and they stared at one another as both realised at the same time that the alternative was right under their feet. "He must have gone out by the fire escape. Come on!"   
  
+++   
  
The blonde nurse was blinking at Gilderoy in astonishment through her unattractive specs. Evidently she hadn't been properly briefed about his condition. "So you don't remember anything?" she said, looking as though she wasn't quite prepared to believe him.   
  
Gilderoy tapped his head, smiling vaguely. "Memory charm," he explained.   
  
Sympathy was always nice, thought Gilderoy, especially when it was accompanied by a nice present or a couple of fingers of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey, but he was a little surprised by the strength of the nurse's reaction.   
  
"This is terrible news!" she exclaimed. "How am I going to write -- I mean, how are you going to regain your memory?"   
  
"How indeed," said Gilderoy agreeably. "Memory charm, you know," he added by way of explanation, wondering whether he'd already mentioned this to her.   
  
The nurse checked her watch. "Goodness! Is that the time? No wonder I'm feeling so th-- er, hungry. Come on, Gilderoy, let's get you something to eat and I'll fill you in on your past -- hopefully that'll jog your memory."   
  
And grabbing him by his pyjama sleeve, the blonde nurse led him off Diagon Alley, down a narrow side street and into a pub called the Green Basilisk.   
  
  
________________   
  
Disclaimer: JK Rowling's characters and the world of Harry Potter are hers, not mine. Me, I'm just passing the time till "The Order of the Phoenix" hits the bookshelves.


	3. The Green Basilisk

Part Three   
  
At the foot of the fire escape, Nurse Garstang and Dr Bird looked around. There was no sign of Lockhart.   
  
"I'll try to track him down using his wand," Nurse Garstang said. "You'd better go back inside and make sure no one else wanders off."   
  
As Bird returned to the ward, she placed Lockhart's wand at her feet and pointed at it with her own wand. "Indictus!" she cried.   
  
Lockhart's wand wobbled and then spun round like a compass needle, coming to rest with the end showering a few lilac sparks in the direction of Diagon Alley.   
  
Oh, great, she thought. Lockhart had only headed for the busiest part of town. Hoping he wouldn't get into any trouble before she could find him, she set off, letting the wand guide her.   
  
+++   
  
A knot of disreputable-looking trolls glared at Gilderoy as he and the blonde witch walked into the dingy snug of the Green Basilisk. Gilderoy smiled vacantly at them. Maybe they were fans of whatever it was he used to be famous for, he thought. He was about to go over and see whether they wanted autographs, when the blonde witch tugged at the sleeve of his pyjamas. Obviously he hadn't been paying enough attention to what she was saying. Was it any wonder, thought Gilderoy -- she never stopped talking about herself. Some people were so egotistical!   
  
"Do you have any idea how much income you lose when you spend the whole summer as a beetle?" she said. She pushed him into a chair. Gilderoy found himself gazing at the battered surface of a mahogany table. Someone had ham-fistedly carved the inscription _VC4MB_ into the table top. Whatever could that mean, wondered Gilderoy. That train of thought was interrupted by the blonde witch flicking his nose with a green quill.   
  
"Concentrate!" she snapped. "This book could make my name as a serious author of celebrity books!" She paused and looked at Gilderoy to make sure he was impressed but his smile was as bland and bewildered as ever.   
  
"Now," she said, producing a notebook. "I want you to tell me everything you remember about your time at Hogwarts."   
  
"Oh. Er..." Evidently he was expected to respond to this. Gilderoy struggled to think of an appropriate reply. "Is that a regular part of your job, Nurse, er...?"   
  
The blonde witch smiled toothily. "You may call me Nurse Rita," she said.


	4. A Bite And A Fight

Part Four   
  
  
Nurse Rita ordered the Eastern Platter from the lunchtime menu. When it arrived, Lockhart looked at it admiringly, but a little apprehensively.   
  
"Try it," she said encouragingly. "It's Thai."   
  
Lockhart picked up a satay stick and nibbled. "You'd never guess," he said. "Tastes just like chicken."   
  
A shadow fell across them. They looked up to see one of the trolls from the other table standing over them.   
  
"I know you," he said. His voice was like the rumble of a landslide. He scowled at Nurse Rita. "You can't fool me with that fancy dress. You're that reporter woman. My brother read me that article you wrote about trolls. Calling us stupid and violent. I've a good mind to..." He punched his fist into the palm of his other hand.   
  
"Save me, Gilderoy!" squealed Rita. She ran and hid behind him, clinging on to his pyjama top. "You're a hero! Do what you did to Count von Zwanzig in _Voyages with Vampires_!"   
  
Gilderoy didn't remember anything about the Count or about _Voyages with Vampires_. Moreover, he was uncomfortably aware that the other trolls had wandered over in the hope that a little mid-afternoon violence was about to break out in the Green Basilisk. They were standing around the table, grinning in a way that suggested they weren't interested in collecting any autographs.   
  
Gilderoy racked his brains trying to remember how to deal with vampires. Didn't you feed them steak or something? Would that work on trolls too? It was too late to order more food -- he'd just have to get the troll to eat something from the Eastern Platter and hope for the best.   
  
He held out the plate and flashed his most charming smile at the troll. "Peckish?"   
  
"Oh." The troll looked nonplussed. Then he looked rather pleased. "Don't mind if I do," he said, grabbing handfuls of food from the plate and stuffing them into his mouth. "Of course, I'm still going to beat you to a pulp afterwards," he added through a mouthful of prawn toast. "Pass us that dip, will you."   
  
Gilderoy did as he was told. The troll took the little bowl of satay sauce and poured the lot down his throat. Immediately he turned grey -- or greyer -- and clutched his neck. His face began to swell up.   
  
"You blithering idiot!" bellowed the chief troll. "You're allergic to peanuts, remember!"   
  
Gilderoy would have said how terribly sorry he was and what an awful mistake to make, but at that moment the choking troll turned the colour of slate and keeled over, crushing him under his weight.   
  
______________________   
Disclaimer: JK Rowling's creations belong to her! Please don't set the trolls on me!!!


	5. Emergency!

Part Five   
  
Nurse Garstang received the emergency call as she was standing outside Gringott's Bank. Lockhart's wand seemed suddenly to have become as forgetful as its owner. She was tapping it, in an effort to make it show her which way he had gone, when something swooped out of the sky and landed in her hair.   
  
She screamed and batted at it with Lockhart's wand. It took a moment for her to realise the thing was an owl. A rather clumsy one, Nurse Garstang thought, smoothing down her hair. It dropped its letter at her feet and perched on the Gringott's window ledge, ruffling its feathers and watching her.   
  
She opened the letter and read:   
  
Periwinkle,   
Emergency call to the Green Basilisk. May need your help.   
Polycarp.   
  
An emergency! Well, she'd just have to hope Lockhart was all right in the meantime. She hurried to the Green Basilisk and arrived just as the ambulance hovered into view overhead. Dr Bird and two paramedics waved down to her from it.   
  
"What's the problem?" she called up to them.   
  
"Collapsed troll!" shouted Dr Bird. "Tried some of the bar food, apparently!"   
  
Inside the pub, the first thing Nurse Garstang saw was the troll, lying like a heap of rubble in the middle of the room. The second thing she noticed was a pair of forget-me-not blue pyjama legs sticking out from under the troll.   
  
"Well, well..." she said under her breath. "OK, you help the paramedics move your friend to the ambulance," she told the chief troll. "It looks like there are two people in need of medical attention here." She narrowed her eyes at Rita, who was standing to one side and looking decidedly uncomfortable in her fake nurse's uniform. "Possibly three," Nurse Garstang added coldly.   
  
"I only wanted to help," said Rita in a small voice.   
  
"In that case, you can take this one outside, while I go and help with the troll," Nurse Garstang said checking Lockhart for broken bones. "Hopefully he'll come round if we give him some fresh air."   
  
__________________   
  
Disclaimer: JK Rowling is the creator of the Harry Potter universe. Most pub food is a lot less dangerous than the stuff they serve in the Green Basilisk.


	6. The Reporter`s Kiss

Part Six   
  
When Gilderoy regained consciousness he found himself sitting outside the Green Basilisk with Rita nuzzling his neck.   
  
"You saved my life!" she murmured. "I was really scared!"   
  
"Me too," agreed Gilderoy, who was feeling rather bruised from being crushed by the troll and none too comfortable with Rita's arms clamped around his neck. He wondered how he'd ever managed all the heroic deeds in his books. He decided he must have become seriously out of condition lying around in a hospital bed for so long.   
  
Then he did something even he was unable to explain. Grabbing Rita by the scruff of the neck, he added loudly: "And now it's time for me to make you forget all of this!"   
  
If he'd had time, Gilderoy might have wondered what had possessed him to say this and why he was reaching inside his pyjama jacket to retrieve a wand that wasn't there. Was it some memory struggling to the surface of his poor charm-frazzled mind? However, he didn't have a chance to ponder any of it. The click of a footstep behind him made him look round.   
  
Nurse Garstang stepped out of the shadows, twirling a wand in one hand. "Looking for this, Lockhart?" she asked smoothly.   
  
"Why, y-- yes!" said Gilderoy. "How kind!" He got to his feet and took a step towards her, his hand outstretched to retrieve his wand.   
  
Rita, however, wasn't about to let him slip through her fingers so easily.   
  
"Oh yes, Gilderoy, darling -- make me forget! Make me forget everything!" she cried passionately. And before he could stop her, before he even realised what she was about to do, she caught him off balance and pulled him towards her, planting a rather soggy and prolonged kiss on his lips.   
  
"Sorry to break up the party, but it's time to go back to hospital, old chap," said Dr Bird, placing a gentle hand on Lockhart's shoulder.   
  
"I'll come and visit you, Gilderoy, my hero!" called Rita as Dr Bird and Nurse Garstang helped the now quivering Gilderoy to his feet and led him towards the ambulance, where paramedics were already giving first aid to the unconscious troll.   
  
"You'll stay away from my patients, if you know what's good for you," Nurse Garstang snarled over her shoulder. "The only way I want to see you on the wards of St Mungo's is if you've been hit by one of the unforgivable curses!"   
  
Rita turned pleadingly to Dr Bird, but he just gave her a smile that might even have impressed _Witch Weekly_ readers. "Nurse knows best!" he told her.   
  
"One good thing's come out of this, at any rate," said Dr Bird brightly as the ambulance began to rise over Diagon Alley. "The way Lockhart was behaving back there, I'd say he was well on the way to regaining his memory!"   
  
Nurse Garstang was cleaning and bandaging Lockhart's feet. She looked up and examined the patient's face as he slumped passively in his seat. The bewildered expression and the absent-minded smile had returned. "I'm not so sure," she said after a moment's thought. "Maybe he was starting to remember a few things, but some events are so traumatic, you don't need a memory charm -- the mind just blocks them out all by itself. In Lockhart's case it looks like being kissed by Rita Skeeter is one of those things."   
  
  
  
THE END (Well, maybe...I'm not sure Rita Skeeter gives up on her men that easily! What do you guys think???)   
  
  
Disclaimer: The Harry Potter universe is the creation of JK Rowling. OMG, I've just realised this story makes me a Lockhart/Skeeter shipper!!! 


End file.
